The thing about newborn babies is they don’t leave time for much else. But today is an anniversary of sorts. One year ago today (March 1), I took a positive pregnancy test, and now I get to tell you about how that story ends (when in fact it’s just beginning).

My pregnancy was textbook (physically). No complications and actually easier than my pregnancy with my older daughter. “Safer at Home” created a great environment for me to focus on my physical, mental and spiritual health.

I was expecting to deliver the first week of November, but she wasn’t ready until 6 days after her due date. God was still teaching me patience, and I was still struggling. I tried everything possible to coerce her to come, and eventually it worked.

I had been feeling contractions for weeks but nothing came of it. On the night of Nov 12th, I laid in bed and realized I was too uncomfortable to fall asleep. I woke up my husband, “I think it’s time”. He called our doula and the midwife. As he was on the phone with the midwife my water started breaking and then we knew for sure. Our doula arrived around 11:30 and the midwife, her assistant and a nurse arrived around midnight. Warren and the doula set up the tub while I tried to relax and make a few last minute preparations. I was relieved when I got the OK to submerge my belly in the warm water. I was working to relax through each contraction. My doula was doing anything she could to make me feel more comfortable. My husband was there the whole time. I had prepared some mantras as a reminder that God made my body to do this work, that soon my baby would be in my arms, and that I had everything I needed. He also read a prayer over me from the book Supernatural Childbirth a friend had recommended. I made an effort to lean on God during my labor and rely on Him to get me through it.

After about an hour I started to feel “pushy”. And it was maybe 15-20 minutes later that my baby was in my arms. “Hello Lexi, we have been waiting for you” I told her. Nothing was more true.

Lexington Faith was born at 1:49am on 11/13. She was 8lbs 3oz and 19 1/2″ long. She had a full head of long brown hair and she was perfect.

There were no complications and apparently I made it look easy (I assure you it wasn’t). My husband had to wake both his mom (who was sleeping in the room across from us) and my mom to tell them that their granddaughter was here. They had slept through it all. By 4am my husband and I were lying in bed with a new baby between us dazed by what had happened over the last 5 hours. “I guess now we go to sleep?”

Fast forward to today, Lexi is over 3 months old and brings so much joy into our family. London loves being a big sister. My husband continues to be Super Dad and Husband of the Year as we adjust to being a family of 4. I truly have the desires of heart.

I hold my baby often and thank God for this precious gift, this treasure I sometimes felt I’d never have. For 3 years my life has been tangled up in lost pregnancies, fertility treatments, diet, acupuncture, supplements, doctors appointments and scheduling. I’m just starting to come up from that fog and acknowledge that the fight is over and I have what I was willing to sacrifice so much for. God answered my prayer. He blessed me with more than just a beautiful little girl, He blessed with me a community of women who are fighters like me. He blessed me with a husband who has stood by my side and showed me every day how lucky I am to have him. He has made me stronger and more thankful. My faith, reliance and relationship with Him will be forever changed.

“Consider it a great job, my brothers and sisters, whenever you experience various trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing” James 1:2-4

I realize it has been some time since I posted. In light of what we had been through, we really needed some space. Space to decide what the next best move was for our family, space to grieve when things didn’t go as we hoped, and space to carry on our journey, just the two of us.

On 02/20/20  our little girl was transferred. With that excitement and hope came fear and anxiety.  Did you know that “do not fear” is used in the Bible more than any other commandment?  I have been leaning heavily on God during this time, praying for peace, believing in His promises, trusting in Him.  I had a vision of God putting his hand on my stomach and telling me this baby was a gift.  So many days I have found myself closing my eyes, replaying that vision over and over.

Because of what I have been through these last few years, I found myself clenching so hard to this baby.  As if it was the most important thing in the whole world and if I lost it, I would have nothing.  I had to come to a new place, a place of acceptance with God.  A place of trust.  In a previous post I told of a sermon my pastor gave in which he preached, “God is able, but even if He doesn’t…”. It takes a lot of strength to face that “even if He doesn’t”.  But I was ready.  I had been confronting the lies about God that I had started to believe, lies about God not being fair, about Him not loving me.  My roots were deeper this time, my faith was stronger.

10 days after transfer, I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. I was almost surprised.  I think we were so guarded, we almost expected bad news.  The next day I took the blood test at my doctor’s office.  When he called to tell me my results, he said my HCG (a hormone your body produces when you’re pregnant) was the highest he’d seen.  He had me come in for my first ultrasound a little early and she was the tiniest little dot.  As the weeks went by, all my blood tests and all my ultrasounds looked good.  But the battle with fear was still real.  The image of the ultrasound with no beating heart  was still so ingrained in my memories, I couldn’t even look at the screen until after I heard an assuring word from the doctor.  Also due to Covid my husband couldn’t be with me the last few visits.  But we made it week after week.  During this time I was also taking 3-4 shots a day and these would continue until 12 weeks, 1 of which I’ll continue for most of my pregnancy.

At 10 weeks I ‘graduated’ from the fertility doctor.  I remember our car ride home that day.  We were taking one big step forward in our journey.  We were starting to believe it was real.  When we told London the news, she was over the moon excited.  “I can’t believe it, I’m going to be a big sister!!”  Now conversations about the baby were a part of our every day.  She had all the excitement and hope and none of the fear and anxiety.

Because of my previous misscarriages and the lockdown that happened soon after, we kept my pregnancy from just about everyone.  Slowly we started to tell people around 16 weeks.  What’s silly is that I look very pregnant but because of Covid no one sees me.  With every person I tell, there is a thought in the back of my mind that it’s another person I’ll have to give the bad news to when I lose her.  But I’m letting that go a little more each day, step by step.

Our anatomy ultrasound couldn’t have gone better.  They counted every finger and toe and measured and analyzed just about every part of her 12oz body.  The doctor and technician couldn’t have been nicer and more complimentary, it’s like they knew what my soul needed to hear, ‘she looks perfect’, ‘she’s beautiful’, ‘everything looks great’.  This was another big step.

At my last OB appointment, the midwife detected a slight ahrythmia in her heart beat but said it was ‘probably fine’.  I already had an echocardiagram scheduled the following week which is typical for IVF babies (apparently there is a slightly higher chance of heart defects).  But I knew I was stronger this time, and I wasn’t going to let that fear grow and take over my joy.  I’m happy to say that the echocardiagram showed that her heart looks healthy and normal.

Fear and joy both live in me, but I’m choosing joy.  And I am excited to share the news with you. 

Expected sometime around early November… Lexington Faith.

Way maker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness, my God that is who You are.

Leeland “Way Maker”

Let me introduce you to my friend Susan.  She and her husband met 20 years ago and they have been married for 10 years.  She had the same plan many women do, get married and have babies.  She wanted 3 by the time she was 40, but God had other plans.  At 33, after several years of trying without results, she went to the doctor to be checked.  Like so many couples suffering with infertility, doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with her or her husband.  They called it “unexplained” or “mysterious” infertility.  She was shocked because she never would have imagined that she would have a problem getting pregnant.  She didn’t know women who had suffered with infertility, and she didn’t understand it, until she was faced with her new reality. 

They first decided to try a few rounds of IUI (insemination).  They all failed.  Her hormones were running wild and her husband didn’t know how to cope with the mood swings.  The doctors walked her through the steps of the procedures, but no one prepared her or her husband, for the emotional journey they were starting.  Susan started to suffer from depression.  She never thought she would find herself in this deep, dark place and she didn’t know how she would get out.  They went through their first IVF cycle.  It almost became too much for her to handle and, in an attempt to find an escape, she had an affair.

Few people talk about the strain infertility can put on a marriage.  Infertility treatments can often exacerbate the situation because almost all of the treatment is on the woman.  She’s taking shots and dealing with changes in her body chemistry.  She’s making changes to her diet and habits and arranging her schedule around shot times. She’s attending all the doctor’s appointments, having blood drawn and ultrasounds weekly if not daily.  Men often feel helpless and unneeded.  Jamie’s husband struggled to find a way to be supportive, and left her feeling alone, until she wasn’t.  She wondered how she was even capable of doing this.  It was a painful and confusing time for her, but she decided to seek out help.  She went to a few therapists and support groups to try and understand and process everything that had been thrown at her. 

In the end, the only one that could get her through the storm was God. She turned more and more over to Him, and although things didn’t change overnight, they did start improving for the better.  She learned how to live in relationship with God.  She learned who she was and whose she was. God mended her heart, healed her soul and saved her life.

Susan and her husband healed their relationship too, but their struggle with infertility isn’t over yet.  In the last 3 years she has had 3 egg retrievals and 1 failed embryo transfer.  She has 1 genetically normal embryo that is frozen and she’s planning on doing another egg retrieval early next year to see if they can get additional embroys before attempting another transfer.  Her doctor has advised her to address her physical health to ensure she is as healthy as possible which includes watching her diet, regulating her blood sugar, and losing weight.  She is tackling the challenge head on and making real progress.

She never expected to be 40 without children, but she believes God has a plan for her.  She is much healthier spiritually, mentally and physically.  She hasn’t given up hope that she’ll be pregnant and have a healthy baby in her arms soon.  She has chosen both a declaration and a verse to tie her down when her mind wants to creep back to that dark place. 

I DECLARE I am fertile and will be a great mom.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I am proud of Susan for being brave enough to share her story.  There are so many that have been hiding in the shadows that many of us thought we were the only ones. If you have a story about infertility and/or miscarriage you would like to share, please let me know.

I know it has been a while since I have written. There are a couple of reasons for that. We moved into the house we plan on growing our family in. That was a major undertaking. We are settled in now and waiting on God’s timing for the rest. The second reason, is that I’m done sharing my story for now.

I decided at the beginning of this year to share it all. And in return, so many women have shared their stories with me. Every story is different and yet the same. They too are filled with heart break, longing, loss, and sacrifice.

I opened the door to sharing my story because I felt it was important for others to know they’re not alone. So now I’m going to share their stories.

As for me, my dream of being a mom again is not over. The added pain that goes with sharing my heartbreak in this journey with family and friends is (for now at least). I’m excited for the day I get to share good news with all of you. So thank you for your support. Thank you for your prayers. I’m trusting that God has a wonderful future ahead for all of us.

If you are interested in sharing your story of miscarriage, infertility or loss on this blog, please let me know [you can click the contact link at the top of the page]. We don’t need real names if you don’t want to share. We just need real stories.

“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19

I’m sure many of you are wondering how our story ends this week. We had another 3 embryos go to genetic testing last week for a total of 6. I asked the doctor’s office not to reach out to us if the results came in while we were out of town. Just in case. On Monday I was so nervous I couldn’t even look at my email. I decided I would wait until I got home. When I came in the door, Warren was back in our bedroom with London. I jumped in on the princess games when I suddenly locked eyes with him. I saw tears in his eyes. “None of them?” I asked. He shook his head. I continued on with our game, trying to process what I had just found out. All 6 of the embryos came back abnormal. Later that night I sobbed as the reality sunk in.

The first couple of days were the hardest as I tried to make sense of it. What more can I do? Why is God withholding this from me? Haven’t I suffered enough? It makes our failed transfer just that much more painful. That may have been our only chance at another biological child, and it didn’t work. It feels unfair. Confusing. Heartbreaking. I have sacrificed so much to get to this point, and yet I’m right where I started.

I’m not sure where we go from here. For the next couple of months we will be talking to doctors and going on a family vacation. I think a break is due, although I honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to do with myself. I have been so focused in this direction I don’t know how to steer any other way. Right now, I’m simply holding on to this – I know we will grow our family. There is a child that is perfect for us and so special that they couldn’t have been made any other way. I have put the HOW in God’s hands.

My pastor gave a sermon on Sunday about faith. I listened to it in my car today with tears rolling down my cheeks. In summary he said, even in the most painful moments in life, you have to live with double-fisted faith. In courage I say, my God is able. But, even if He doesn’t, it doesn’t mean He’s not God. And just because I cant see it, and He doesn’t do it the way I want Him to, it doesn’t mean He’s not God and I’m going to hold onto Him because there is nothing else I can hold onto.

So tonight I count my blessings which include a beautiful daughter, a loving husband, a supportive family and special friends. And I wait on God with double fisted faith, because that’s all I have.

So here we are, with just a few days until Mother’s Day. This is a special day to appreciate all moms do for us. But it’s also a painful reminder for many women of loss and longing. I don’t even really know for sure how many little embryos I have frozen and growing, but I do know I have a saucy little 2 year old who makes me play princesses for hours on end. And for that, I am truly grateful.

For those of you interested in what this process is like, here is a snapshot of the day to day happenings of someone leading up to an egg retrieval, and the recovery afterwards. There are a lot of different protocols but this was mine.

Monday 4/29: Lupron in the morning followed by Lupron, Gonal and Omniotrope shots at night. This is my first ultrasound since I’ve been on medication. I go to acupuncture where they do a back treatment (instead of putting needles and electric current through my stomach they go in through the back). In the afternoon, the Doctor’s office sends the results that show they are measuring 9 follicles.

Tuesday 4/30: The same 4 daily shots.

Wednesday 5/1: The same 4 daily shots. I go in for more bloodwork and another ultrasound. That afternoon I’m emailed the follicle count. I’m up to 12. The coordinator says everything looks really good. Something just feels extra special.

Thursday 5/2: The same 4 daily shots.

Friday 5/3: The same 4 daily shots. I go into the Doctor’s office for blood work and ultrasound. Definitely starting to feel bloated now. We meet with the coordinator and she goes over everything leading up to my egg retrieval. Then I head to acupuncture. That afternoon I get the results from the ultrasound and they’re still measuring 12, but they’re growing. That’s a good thing.

Saturday 5/4: This was an interesting day because I had to combine a total of 6 shots for the day with a bachelorette party. My husband labeled my shots and packed them up for me. He set reminders on his phone, and mine, so I would take them at the precise time I was instructed. I roll up to the pool with a cooler of drugs.

I was happy to see my friends celebrating. A couple of the girls say, “How are you?” but what they really want to say is “I know you’re going through IVF, how is that going?” It takes about 5 minutes before I’m giving them an update and they are peppering me with questions. They are all very supportive and encouraging. After that, I get to spend hours by the pool hanging out with some friends. I have to order an acai bowl for lunch, because it’s pretty much the only thing that meets my current diet. I also brought my own “tortilla” chips to a Mexican restaurant for dinner (corn and gluten free!). I didn’t want to cheat at this point in the process and I also didn’t want to say “no” to chips and salsa! I gave myself 3 shots at the hotel before we left and 2 “trigger” shots in the bathroom at the restaurant. The diaper changing station was a great place to lay my needles out. There comes a point when you don’t want to miss out on anything else because of IVF. So if that means giving yourself shots in a Mexican restaurant bathroom, that’s what you do.

Sunday 5/5: Absolutely no shots. Imagine that. I do have to start a 5 day course of antibiotics in preparation for the procedure on Monday.

Monday 5/6: I show up to the surgery center at 7am. They take me back to the prep area. I undress, they give me an IV, and hook me up to the monitors. I hang out until about 8:20. I briefly meet the anesthesiologist, and my doctor. My husband and I say a prayer. We are thankful for the family we have. We are thanking God in advance that the procedure is going to go well, and that we will be adding to our family soon. I get wheeled into the operating room. The feet go up in stirrups…and I’m out. I wake up and start to acclimate. I drink Gatorade and animal crackers – two things I would never eat. But you know what? The eggs are out and so the pressure is off (of me physically). I eat them all. The doctor tells us there were 11. That’s the most we’ve had, so we are excited. I leave there around 10am. I spend the rest of the day resting in bed.

Tuesday 5/7: This is a stressful day because I know we are getting some results today. The coordinator emails them to me. I find out that from the 11, only 6 were mature enough. Of those, 5 fertilized. Our number just dropped more than half? This is not my biggest number. My last retrieval we had 7 fertilize and 3 make it to testing. I can’t help but feel disappointed. A few hours later, I try to shift my attitude. Thank you God that we have 5 embryos today! Now we have to wait until Friday to see how many we have for testing. My life group meets (small women’s bible study group) and the girls lay hands on me and pray. My glass is half full. My baby is coming.

Wednesday 5/8: I really don’t feel that great. I think I look 4 months pregnant, my stomach is like a hard rock. My pants are tight and my abdomen is sore. I go to acupuncture where they work to relieve the symptoms, and I try to just meditate on those 5 embryos. I watch them grow. I think about God looking over them as the cells divide, already having every day of their lives determined. Please God let them be strong, let them be healthy! I think about holding a baby in my arms. I think about sleeping next to a newborn baby like the day London was born. Please Heavenly Father, let this be the answer to my prayers.

Thursday 5/9: I decide to have a dirty chai latte at 1pm because I have not had any caffeine for months and I’m actually going to a black tie event that night. I’m pretty sure that’s why I had a horrible night’s sleep. I am however, starting to feel better. Less pain, less bloating, almost normal.

Friday 5/10: I was expecting to hear from the Doctor’s office on how many embryos made it to testing. That means every time I pull up my personal email, my stomach drops. All day. There isn’t any news, so I guess we will find out Monday. My assumption is that no news means that there are one to some embryos they are hoping will catch up so they can make testing. Dr. F’s office is horrible with communication so I just get to guess for now.

Keep my little tiny babies in your prayers.

This process is physical, emotional and spiritual. I’m finding myself more emotional, when I didn’t expect to be. I thought I had really just let all of this go. Didn’t I relinquish this all to God? Am I still scared? Worried? Anxious? Tired? Yes.

At Good Friday’s service the pastor asked what our fears were. I thought upon that for a moment and had a realization. I’m afraid that God won’t give me the desires of my heart, and children are at the top of that list. So maybe God is going straight to the thing that is the closest to my heart and saying “Learn to trust Me in this area and you’ll learn to trust Me in every area.”

Today at church the pastor talked about God wanting to bless us with abundance. He talked about Jesus as the shepherd and man as the lamb. When a lamb is lost, the shepherd sometimes has to carry him back against his will. The lamb is upset and resistant but the shepherd knows what he is doing is best, and when the lamb is back safe with the flock, he will be happy. I am the lamb. God is carrying me on His back and saying, “We aren’t going to do this your way, because My way is better”. God is a good father. He is here with me, and He wants to bless me. Can’t I just trust that?

A motivational author I follow on Instagram posted about her adoption story this weekend. She talked about how hard it is to be in the season of wait, about God’s perfect timing, about the child that God already has picked out for me.

…and I’m on a bunch of homones. Is it any wonder why I’m emotional??

Since this is the first cycle I have done while writing this blog, I wanted to give you a sense of what it looks like from a day to day perspective.

Tuesday 4/16: Visit to the doctor for ultrasound, blood work (only took them 2 pricks this time) and meeting with my coordinator to go over the treatment plan for the next cycle. That afternoon I get word that everything looks clear to start.

Monday 4/22: Afternoon acupuncture.

Tuesday 4/23: Start taking Lupron. One shot in the morning and one at night. Lupron basically shuts down my reproductive system so that I won’t ovulate. [I’m going to give you reeeeaaally general descriptions here.]

Wednesday 4/24: Morning and evening Lupron shots. Afternoon acupuncture.

Thursday 4/25: Morning and evening Lupron shots. Gonal and Omniotrope shots in the evening 1 hour after Lupron. Gonal stimulates the follicles so that you can get multiple eggs instead of just the one your body naturally ovulates in a cycle. Omniotrope is growth hormone, its primary purpose is to promote good egg quality.

Friday 4/26: Morning Lupron shot. Lupron, Gonal and Omniotrope shots in the evening. Starting to develop some tenderness in areas of my stomach from the injection sites.

Saturday 4/27: Morning Lupron shot. Lupron, Gonal and Omniotrope shots in the evening. I don’t want to do any of the shots myself at this point so Warren is administering them all to me.

Sunday 4/28: Morning Lupron shot. Lupron, Gonal and Omniotrope shots in the evening. I haven’t been able to schedule an appointment with my therapist. It didn’t really concern me because I have been feeling so ‘practical’. But this weekend I’ve found myself in tears on several occasions. Maybe I’m not as strong as I thought I was.

A friend asked me how my “break” was going. This is the period between one egg retrieval and when the protocol for the next one begins. The truth is, it never feels like there is a break. There is some relief for sure. It is great not to have to think about taking shots twice a day. It’s nice to go on vacation with your family and not have to go to doctors appointments constantly. But your mind is never off of it. Everything I put in my body, I weigh how it may affect my fertility. Every bite or sip is calculated. Have I had a couple of glasses of wine during my break? Yes. Will I eat a bite of real ice cream or have a hamburger with a real bun? Sure. But I carefully think it through, how much and how often. It is pretty crazy when I think about how much my fertility journey has taken over my thoughts. To say it has been all consuming is not really an exaggeration.

A family friend reached out to me after I posted my blog. She is a wholistic nutritionist and offered to help. My husband gets frustrated sometimes because when someone comes to me with advice, I am not afraid to jump right on board. My perspective: I have tried other nutritional plans before. So, why not try something new and see if we get any different results? I changed out almost all my supplements as well. Much of the plan is similar to my previous ones. No gluten, dairy, soy, corn, and all the bad for you ingredients. But on this one, I’ve eliminated protein powder and fat from my morning shakes and am only eating meat at night. I’m actually on day 9 (the last day) of a liver detox where I have eaten enough salad, celery and apples to fill your grocery cart. I’m looking forward to seeing how I feel next week. I hope that this gets both my mind and body ready for the next cycle.

I have talked previously about how infertility care is a rabbit hole. The truth is, if I knew then (when I decided to pursue IVF) what I know now, I may have just tried to conceive on my own again. So far science hasn’t been the answer, but of course my journey isn’t over yet. I looked at my credit card spending from 2018 and $60,000 of it was medical. Keep in mind, I have insurance coverage. I thank God I have a job where I can afford this option. I know women who scrape by to pay for it and even mortgage their homes. As much as I want to whine about it, it’s really a sign of God’s blessing.

My doctors appointments and medications start up right after Easter. On Monday, I’ll start on a short stint of birth control. Next will be ultrasounds, blood draws and shots. I’ll spend the next couple of days calling pharmacies to get all the drugs together. It would be too easy if they all came from one place! They informed me this go round that I’ve officially maxed out on insurance coverage for my drugs so about 60% of my order will be 100% out of pocket. It just felt like another sign that this particular road is coming to an end. I pray there is a baby at the end of it. But if not, I know God has another road in mind for me. And I have to have faith that His plan is better than mine. I have actually started to thank God for this one-on-one time I get to spend with my daughter. I know that WHEN I have another child, my time and attention will be split, so let’s just be grateful for what we have today. Shall we?

I checked in at 7am to the surgery center on Friday, March 1. They took me into a room with about 4 other beds lined in a row, curtains separated us. All of these women were here to have their eggs taken out too. For about an hour you get prepped for surgery. The nurses already recognize me and that brings me both sadness and comfort.

Dr F stops by my bed to say “Hi” and see if there are any questions. From there the anesthesiologist came over, and they started rolling me into the room, and put me to sleep. A short while after I woke up, the Dr came by and told us we have 8 eggs. Pretty good we think. I get dressed, I go home, and I spend the day in bed. It’s routine now.

That Monday we found out that 7 fertilized. That’s the highest we’ve had to date. I start fantasizing that all of them continue growing, and we decide to just send them to testing now. We get several good embryos and then plan for transfer ahead of schedule. But then reality comes in the form of an email Thursday evening. Three made it to “blastocyst” stage. That means they have grown enough to be implanted. It doesn’t mean they are normal. The “baby makers” have extracted some cells and frozen my 3 embryos. These cells will go to testing in May when we get the next batch. Now I get about 5 weeks off before I start back on the drugs for Round 5.

Since posting my blog I have received a great outpouring of love, support and sisterhood. Some women have been courageous in sharing their stories with me as well, stories that are easily hidden behind the pretty photos on social media. Some stories are filled with heartbreak, there are stories with happy endings, short stories, long stories, but as Rachel Hollis puts it, these battles have made us warriors.

The pastor’s wife at my church spoke to our support group a few months ago. They too had struggled with infertility. When I told the group I had been feeling the calling to share my story she immediately said “do it”. She also recommended to us a Beth Moore study called the Patriarchs. She was doing that study when she was struggling. I’m in the first several weeks which focus on Abraham who was to be the father of many nations. When God made that promise, Abraham was old and had no children. Of course the Bible story is focused on Abraham’s experience, but I can’t help but hone in on Sarah. The old woman who would actually carry, give birth to this son, and fulfill God’s promise. And God did just that. And they named him Isaac which means laughter. And the Bible reads that after he was born Sarah said “God has blessed me with laughter”. Those (let’s call them 70 years) she was barren and the birth of her son brings laughter. It goes on to state she laughed because, who would believe that a woman like her (old and barren) would give birth? But she must have been so filled with cheer that she had her long awaited son, so relieved that God had delivered on His promise, so happy that she finally got what she had longed for, that her joy overflowed into laughter. She probably couldn’t contain it.

Every night my daughter and I say our prayers and we thank God that she’s going to be a big sister soon. I feel so strongly that God put this desire in my heart, that it is my promise. In His time, in His way I tell myself.

When I miscarried my first time I started wearing a cross. I wear it almost every day. It has a ruby on it, which would have been that baby’s birthstone [because yes, every time there is a due date, there are a myriad of plans and thoughts you start to cultivate]. A friend in my small group, not too long after, gave me a medal of a Saint. Saint Gerard Majella is the patron saint of mothers, mothers-to-be, and women who are trying to conceive. The girls in my small group all prayed over me and I wear that with my cross, almost every single day.

After my husband and I found out about our failed transfer we took our daughter to San Diego because we needed to just be with her and be away from our sadness (as much as you can be). There is a Deepak Chopra center there with a great bookstore. We picked out 3 bracelets that he and I wear almost every day. Even London knows what they stand for. When my therapist told us to find a family mantra I realized we already had made one.

• We are STRONG “I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me” (Philippians 4:13).
• We are CALM or at peace “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matthew 6:26-2
• We will have another child or FERTILITY ” Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours” Mar 11:24

Lava Stone [black] for strength and courage, allowing us stability through times of change.
Howlite [white] helps to alleviate stress and may help you calm. Carnelian [red] is said to remove blockages in the reproductive organs. It will also aid in making you confident in your ability to hold, birth and raise a child.

My desire for another child and my awareness of our circumstances are always at the forefront of my mind. These “symbols” help rein me in from wandering thoughts. They ground me back to prayer, reliance and hope.

I just realized that there is nothing left to do for now. There won’t be another shot (I had 6 yesterday), there won’t be another acupuncture treatment (I had 2 just this week), there won’t even be any more water to drink before they remove my eggs and make my babies. It’s crazy when you think about it. Tomorrow, in a lab, they’re going to make my babies, and all I can do at this point is pray, that just 1 of them will end up as a part of our family.

The reality is that the only thing I can really do during this whole process is pray. Of course I will do everything I can to contribute to the chances of our success but God will give me a baby how, when and if.

During my last retrieval my therapist recommended I have a verse or a mantra or something to focus on the morning of. I chose, Psalms 139:16 “Your eyes saw my embryo, and on your scroll every day was written that was being formed for me, before any one of them had yet happened.” I thought about the plans God had for my babies and remembered that He is in control and prayed that one of those embryos had a long and happy life written on that scroll. This retrieval, I’m going to be thinking of another verse as well, Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. God wants to bless me, and I’m going to go into that operating room with a crown of blessing on my head.

Every time I go through this I get a little nervous about going in and being put under. My daughter tonight did not want me to leave her in her room and so I picked her up, sang a million songs to her and rocked her until she was almost asleep [sometimes the tools from sleep training class don’t apply]. God is reminding me why I go through all this. God gave me this desire to have children and I know, one way or another, He will provide.