I checked in at 7am to the surgery center on Friday, March 1. They took me into a room with about 4 other beds lined in a row, curtains separated us. All of these women were here to have their eggs taken out too. For about an hour you get prepped for surgery. The nurses already recognize me and that brings me both sadness and comfort.
Dr F stops by my bed to say “Hi” and see if there are any questions. From there the anesthesiologist came over, and they started rolling me into the room, and put me to sleep. A short while after I woke up, the Dr came by and told us we have 8 eggs. Pretty good we think. I get dressed, I go home, and I spend the day in bed. It’s routine now.
That Monday we found out that 7 fertilized. That’s the highest we’ve had to date. I start fantasizing that all of them continue growing, and we decide to just send them to testing now. We get several good embryos and then plan for transfer ahead of schedule. But then reality comes in the form of an email Thursday evening. Three made it to “blastocyst” stage. That means they have grown enough to be implanted. It doesn’t mean they are normal. The “baby makers” have extracted some cells and frozen my 3 embryos. These cells will go to testing in May when we get the next batch. Now I get about 5 weeks off before I start back on the drugs for Round 5.
Since posting my blog I have received a great outpouring of love, support and sisterhood. Some women have been courageous in sharing their stories with me as well, stories that are easily hidden behind the pretty photos on social media. Some stories are filled with heartbreak, there are stories with happy endings, short stories, long stories, but as Rachel Hollis puts it, these battles have made us warriors.
The pastor’s wife at my church spoke to our support group a few months ago. They too had struggled with infertility. When I told the group I had been feeling the calling to share my story she immediately said “do it”. She also recommended to us a Beth Moore study called the Patriarchs. She was doing that study when she was struggling. I’m in the first several weeks which focus on Abraham who was to be the father of many nations. When God made that promise, Abraham was old and had no children. Of course the Bible story is focused on Abraham’s experience, but I can’t help but hone in on Sarah. The old woman who would actually carry, give birth to this son, and fulfill God’s promise. And God did just that. And they named him Isaac which means laughter. And the Bible reads that after he was born Sarah said “God has blessed me with laughter”. Those (let’s call them 70 years) she was barren and the birth of her son brings laughter. It goes on to state she laughed because, who would believe that a woman like her (old and barren) would give birth? But she must have been so filled with cheer that she had her long awaited son, so relieved that God had delivered on His promise, so happy that she finally got what she had longed for, that her joy overflowed into laughter. She probably couldn’t contain it.
Every night my daughter and I say our prayers and we thank God that she’s going to be a big sister soon. I feel so strongly that God put this desire in my heart, that it is my promise. In His time, in His way I tell myself.
When I miscarried my first time I started wearing a cross. I wear it almost every day. It has a ruby on it, which would have been that baby’s birthstone [because yes, every time there is a due date, there are a myriad of plans and thoughts you start to cultivate]. A friend in my small group, not too long after, gave me a medal of a Saint. Saint Gerard Majella is the patron saint of mothers, mothers-to-be, and women who are trying to conceive. The girls in my small group all prayed over me and I wear that with my cross, almost every single day.
After my husband and I found out about our failed transfer we took our daughter to San Diego because we needed to just be with her and be away from our sadness (as much as you can be). There is a Deepak Chopra center there with a great bookstore. We picked out 3 bracelets that he and I wear almost every day. Even London knows what they stand for. When my therapist told us to find a family mantra I realized we already had made one.
- We are STRONG “I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me” (Philippians 4:13).
- We are CALM or at peace “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matthew 6:26-2
- We will have another child or FERTILITY ” Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours” Mar 11:24
Lava Stone [black] for strength and courage, allowing us stability through times of change.
Howlite [white] helps to alleviate stress and may help you calm. Carnelian [red] is said to remove blockages in the reproductive organs. It will also aid in making you confident in your ability to hold, birth and raise a child.
My desire for another child and my awareness of our circumstances are always at the forefront of my mind. These “symbols” help rein me in from wandering thoughts. They ground me back to prayer, reliance and hope.
I'll go first 