Maybe I haven’t let it all go yet.

This process is physical, emotional and spiritual. I’m finding myself more emotional, when I didn’t expect to be. I thought I had really just let all of this go. Didn’t I relinquish this all to God? Am I still scared? Worried? Anxious? Tired? Yes.

At Good Friday’s service the pastor asked what our fears were. I thought upon that for a moment and had a realization. I’m afraid that God won’t give me the desires of my heart, and children are at the top of that list. So maybe God is going straight to the thing that is the closest to my heart and saying “Learn to trust Me in this area and you’ll learn to trust Me in every area.”

Today at church the pastor talked about God wanting to bless us with abundance. He talked about Jesus as the shepherd and man as the lamb. When a lamb is lost, the shepherd sometimes has to carry him back against his will. The lamb is upset and resistant but the shepherd knows what he is doing is best, and when the lamb is back safe with the flock, he will be happy. I am the lamb. God is carrying me on His back and saying, “We aren’t going to do this your way, because My way is better”. God is a good father. He is here with me, and He wants to bless me. Can’t I just trust that?

A motivational author I follow on Instagram posted about her adoption story this weekend. She talked about how hard it is to be in the season of wait, about God’s perfect timing, about the child that God already has picked out for me.

…and I’m on a bunch of homones. Is it any wonder why I’m emotional??

Since this is the first cycle I have done while writing this blog, I wanted to give you a sense of what it looks like from a day to day perspective.

Tuesday 4/16: Visit to the doctor for ultrasound, blood work (only took them 2 pricks this time) and meeting with my coordinator to go over the treatment plan for the next cycle. That afternoon I get word that everything looks clear to start.

Monday 4/22: Afternoon acupuncture.

Tuesday 4/23: Start taking Lupron. One shot in the morning and one at night. Lupron basically shuts down my reproductive system so that I won’t ovulate. [I’m going to give you reeeeaaally general descriptions here.]

Wednesday 4/24: Morning and evening Lupron shots. Afternoon acupuncture.

Thursday 4/25: Morning and evening Lupron shots. Gonal and Omniotrope shots in the evening 1 hour after Lupron. Gonal stimulates the follicles so that you can get multiple eggs instead of just the one your body naturally ovulates in a cycle. Omniotrope is growth hormone, its primary purpose is to promote good egg quality.

Friday 4/26: Morning Lupron shot. Lupron, Gonal and Omniotrope shots in the evening. Starting to develop some tenderness in areas of my stomach from the injection sites.

Saturday 4/27: Morning Lupron shot. Lupron, Gonal and Omniotrope shots in the evening. I don’t want to do any of the shots myself at this point so Warren is administering them all to me.

Sunday 4/28: Morning Lupron shot. Lupron, Gonal and Omniotrope shots in the evening. I haven’t been able to schedule an appointment with my therapist. It didn’t really concern me because I have been feeling so ‘practical’. But this weekend I’ve found myself in tears on several occasions. Maybe I’m not as strong as I thought I was.