I’m sure many of you are wondering how our story ends this week. We had another 3 embryos go to genetic testing last week for a total of 6. I asked the doctor’s office not to reach out to us if the results came in while we were out of town. Just in case. On Monday I was so nervous I couldn’t even look at my email. I decided I would wait until I got home. When I came in the door, Warren was back in our bedroom with London. I jumped in on the princess games when I suddenly locked eyes with him. I saw tears in his eyes. “None of them?” I asked. He shook his head. I continued on with our game, trying to process what I had just found out. All 6 of the embryos came back abnormal. Later that night I sobbed as the reality sunk in.
The first couple of days were the hardest as I tried to make sense of it. What more can I do? Why is God withholding this from me? Haven’t I suffered enough? It makes our failed transfer just that much more painful. That may have been our only chance at another biological child, and it didn’t work. It feels unfair. Confusing. Heartbreaking. I have sacrificed so much to get to this point, and yet I’m right where I started.
I’m not sure where we go from here. For the next couple of months we will be talking to doctors and going on a family vacation. I think a break is due, although I honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to do with myself. I have been so focused in this direction I don’t know how to steer any other way. Right now, I’m simply holding on to this – I know we will grow our family. There is a child that is perfect for us and so special that they couldn’t have been made any other way. I have put the HOW in God’s hands.
My pastor gave a sermon on Sunday about faith. I listened to it in my car today with tears rolling down my cheeks. In summary he said, even in the most painful moments in life, you have to live with double-fisted faith. In courage I say, my God is able. But, even if He doesn’t, it doesn’t mean He’s not God. And just because I cant see it, and He doesn’t do it the way I want Him to, it doesn’t mean He’s not God and I’m going to hold onto Him because there is nothing else I can hold onto.
So tonight I count my blessings which include a beautiful daughter, a loving husband, a supportive family and special friends. And I wait on God with double fisted faith, because that’s all I have.
I'll go first 