I realize it has been some time since I posted. In light of what we had been through, we really needed some space. Space to decide what the next best move was for our family, space to grieve when things didn’t go as we hoped, and space to carry on our journey, just the two of us.
On 02/20/20 our little girl was transferred. With that excitement and hope came fear and anxiety. Did you know that “do not fear” is used in the Bible more than any other commandment? I have been leaning heavily on God during this time, praying for peace, believing in His promises, trusting in Him. I had a vision of God putting his hand on my stomach and telling me this baby was a gift. So many days I have found myself closing my eyes, replaying that vision over and over.
Because of what I have been through these last few years, I found myself clenching so hard to this baby. As if it was the most important thing in the whole world and if I lost it, I would have nothing. I had to come to a new place, a place of acceptance with God. A place of trust. In a previous post I told of a sermon my pastor gave in which he preached, “God is able, but even if He doesn’t…”. It takes a lot of strength to face that “even if He doesn’t”. But I was ready. I had been confronting the lies about God that I had started to believe, lies about God not being fair, about Him not loving me. My roots were deeper this time, my faith was stronger.
10 days after transfer, I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. I was almost surprised. I think we were so guarded, we almost expected bad news. The next day I took the blood test at my doctor’s office. When he called to tell me my results, he said my HCG (a hormone your body produces when you’re pregnant) was the highest he’d seen. He had me come in for my first ultrasound a little early and she was the tiniest little dot. As the weeks went by, all my blood tests and all my ultrasounds looked good. But the battle with fear was still real. The image of the ultrasound with no beating heart was still so ingrained in my memories, I couldn’t even look at the screen until after I heard an assuring word from the doctor. Also due to Covid my husband couldn’t be with me the last few visits. But we made it week after week. During this time I was also taking 3-4 shots a day and these would continue until 12 weeks, 1 of which I’ll continue for most of my pregnancy.
At 10 weeks I ‘graduated’ from the fertility doctor. I remember our car ride home that day. We were taking one big step forward in our journey. We were starting to believe it was real. When we told London the news, she was over the moon excited. “I can’t believe it, I’m going to be a big sister!!” Now conversations about the baby were a part of our every day. She had all the excitement and hope and none of the fear and anxiety.
Because of my previous misscarriages and the lockdown that happened soon after, we kept my pregnancy from just about everyone. Slowly we started to tell people around 16 weeks. What’s silly is that I look very pregnant but because of Covid no one sees me. With every person I tell, there is a thought in the back of my mind that it’s another person I’ll have to give the bad news to when I lose her. But I’m letting that go a little more each day, step by step.
Our anatomy ultrasound couldn’t have gone better. They counted every finger and toe and measured and analyzed just about every part of her 12oz body. The doctor and technician couldn’t have been nicer and more complimentary, it’s like they knew what my soul needed to hear, ‘she looks perfect’, ‘she’s beautiful’, ‘everything looks great’. This was another big step.
At my last OB appointment, the midwife detected a slight ahrythmia in her heart beat but said it was ‘probably fine’. I already had an echocardiagram scheduled the following week which is typical for IVF babies (apparently there is a slightly higher chance of heart defects). But I knew I was stronger this time, and I wasn’t going to let that fear grow and take over my joy. I’m happy to say that the echocardiagram showed that her heart looks healthy and normal.
Fear and joy both live in me, but I’m choosing joy. And I am excited to share the news with you.
Expected sometime around early November… Lexington Faith.
Way maker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness, my God that is who You are.
Leeland “Way Maker”
I'll go first 