And so here I am today in my 4th egg retrieval cycle. I’m on vacation in Park City because vacations are good for my soul.  They help me to relax, to replenish my tank, to tune back into a grateful spirit. 

After the failed transfer I felt God calling me to share my story.  When people asked if I was going to have another child, I usually would just brush it off, but if I sense the smallest amount of probing I tell them my story now.  Why?  Because in the midst of this I have learned a lot of things, but among them is, I am not alone.  This is still a topic people are sensitive about which leaves many women feeling alone,  because it happens all the time.  God is making me stronger.  God is drawing me closer to Him.   God is teaching me that even though I think I’ve let go, I’m still holding on.  

So for women who want some details, here is my current protocol:

• Vitamins. I take prenatal vitamins, vitamin D, probiotic, NAC, CoQ10, DHA, DHEA, and Metanx because I have MTFHR (which much of the population does).  
• Diet.  I’m off alcohol and caffeine.  I try to eat little gluten, refined sugar, and dairy.  I try to eat organic as much as possible.  Usually I do a cleanse in between my cycles to help my body detox from the drugs.  This included eliminating, soy, gluten, tomatoes, corn, dairy, gluten, red meat and sugar for 21 days (all meat was eliminated for 7 days).  This was suggested by my acupuncturist and included additional supplements.
• Prescription drugs (aka the shots).  I take 20 units of micro dose Lupron in the morning.  12 hours later I take another 20 units, plus 30 units of omniotrope and 450 of gonal (which is an alternate to follistum).  I am also on thyroid medication which I take every morning.  This affects me in no noticeable way, but the doctors would rather I just take it to be on the safe side, so I do.  
• So far this cycle I’ve spend $8,000 to my doctors office plus another $2,000 on medication.  This doesn’t include what I’ll spend on acupuncture, vitamins and my oral prescription drugs. And keep in mind this is my cost after insurance coverage.

I had my initial appointment on Feb 11 to make sure I was clear to start treatment and meet with my coordinator to go over my protocol.  Each appointment includes a blood draw and ultrasound.  I had my last check in on 2/22.  From the emailed results it appears I have 4 follicles on each side measuring between 4-12 right now.  From what I understand from my time with Dr A they like them to get to about 20.  I have my next appointments on 2/25 and 2/27 and then I have my retrieval set for 3/1.

Now that I have you up to date I will be able to give you more insight into what my individual weeks are like.

The greatest blessing through all of this is my daughter London.  When I’m around her, it’s hard to be sad because she is so full of joy and love.  As hard as this has been on me physically and emotionally I know that God has still blessed me with so much.

• I have an amazing family and support system
• While this process can pull married couples apart my husband and I have pulled together
• God has already blessed me with an amazing and healthy daughter
• I can afford the treatments and I can afford to keep trying if I want
• My job allows me the flexibility to make it to the never ending doctor appointments.
• I’m not sensitive to the drugs.  Many women who undergo IVF have horrible side effects from the drugs and/or a really tough time recovering from the retrieval.  
• Everything else in my life is wonderful. God has provided.

And these are the things I hold onto when my outlook gets dark. I think about all the other things I could be going through that would be so much worse, and I thank God for my blessings.  And I thank Him for the baby that will be coming into our family soon.  I just don’t know how.

The doctor’s best guess was that the transfer hadn’t worked because the quality of our embryo was Bc.  Plenty of B embryos become babies, but the chances are reduced.  I asked her at what point do we go to plan B?  How many times do we keep trying?  We all decided on 2 more egg retrievals.  We would wait and test the embryos after the 2nd retrieval (pool them together). Not only will it save us about $5000, but for me, I think I will do better emotionally if I don’t have to face a potential disappointment after the 1st one.  It’s not just the news either, it’s the 7-10 days of excruciating anticipation of the news

 

Dr. F ran a different ship.  After the consult we didn’t see the doctor, at all.  The appointments and retrieval were all scheduled.  Under the care of Dr A, he was usually there for my appointments,  I went every other day and then every day, and then he told me 48 hours ahead what would be the retrieval day.  I think it was a combination of it being my 3rd time around and the limited information that made my 3rd retrieval less stressful, and that was a good thing. I was learning to let go of the fact that I was essentially in a baby making factory and just a widget on the assembly line. I had also started seeing a therapist, Dr L, who specialized in infertility.   I did see Dr F right before and right after the retrieval. They retrieved 9 eggs which was our best yet, but only 3 made it to testing which was 1 less than we had the previous times with Dr A. 

The call was coming in on my phone.  It was Dr F’s coordinator, and I asked if I could conference in my husband (I had previously taken these calls solo but this was one of the things Dr L recommended).  She seemed peppy- and honestly I was expecting an email with our results.  We had 1 good embryo and it was a girl.  

We were so happy, grateful and relieved.  We were finally over the hump.  From here on out things would be easy.  My transfer wouldn’t be for almost 3 more months.  During that time I started going to a support group at my church that met once a month.  The support group was for women like me who had suffered miscarriages and infertility.  Some of their stories were tough to hear because their struggles had been so long.  I prayed that I would soon be on the other side of this struggle. 

Our transfer was scheduled for right before Christmas.  I did everything I should have been doing.  I was eating clean, no caffeine or alcohol, gluten free, I did intraplids and acupuncture, I was ready.  She was my September baby.  And she was being placed in my womb almost exactly 1 year from the day of my DNC.  God was finally answering my prayers, and I couldn’t wait to put the struggle behind me and grow this little girl inside me.  During the time of the transfer I had a vision. I was coming home and at the door were London and this new baby waiting for me.  My heart was full.

Christmas was magical.  Our families were together in the mountains and it snowed on Christmas morning just like the movies.  I was taking it easy and trying not pick up and carry my daughter around.  I was taking daily progesterone shots intramuscular (in the bum).  During one shot I accidentally had the needle thrust through 1 1/2 fingers.  That was my most emotional morning.  I was hormonal and tired and scared [PS- my finger was bruised but fine].  

I would find out at New Years if I was pregnant.  My blood test was set for Jan 2 but that was also the day I had to head back to work.  If for some reason it hadn’t worked, I wanted more time to process before heading to the office. So I took a pregnancy test at home on the 31st.  It said, not pregnant.  My heart sank.  I couldn’t believe it didn’t work.  My husband assured me it wasn’t 100% and started reading blogs of women who got a negative result and ended up being pregnant, so I held onto a small piece of hope.  But then the blood test confirmed.  And then my period started.  And every one of these steps just crushed my little spirit. God, why had you forsaken me?  

And so this time we were doing IVF for real.  I went in on the 3rd day of my cycle, so he could count the follicles.  In a normal cycle, one follicle grows and pop, out comes the egg that hopefully fertilizes.  With IVF, they were going to make every follicle grow and then they would put me under and go in to take the eggs out. 

I remember signing the paperwork with Dr A and being genuinely worried that we would end up with too many good embryos. What would we do with all the extra embryos?   But then I thought, maybe those extra embryos will go to a family who really needs them and that’s why God has me in this position.

The first shot was the hardest.  Luckily my husband isn’t afraid of shots and was happy taking on the responsibility of measuring out and administering my drugs.  I was relieved to have that additional pressure taken off of me because, it’s a lot to keep track of. 

I started acupuncture and adjusted my diet.  After the retrieval, Dr A reported we had 5 eggs.  I didn’t realized that there may not be eggs in every follicle.  4 of the embryos made it to testing.  I was already getting nervous that the numbers were shrinking so quickly. When I started my next cycle I went in for an ultrasound and blood test to make sure I was ready for transfer.  I started on drugs again and then I got a call.  My heart was racing waiting to hear the results.  None of them tested normal.  NONE??  I was in complete shock.  I left my office in tears and called my husband.  NONE??  We were devastated. 

So we decided to try again. Surely, if all those embryos tested bad, we would have at least 1 normal one in the next cycle, but we didn’t. 7 eggs retrieved, 5 fertilized, 4 made it to day 5, NONE of them were normal. 

We decided to switch doctors because (1) I would receive more insurance coverage (2) This doctor, Dr F, had successfully gotten a couple of my friends pregnant and (3) I wasn’t having any success with Dr A so why not? 

We found out a week or so before Thanksgiving.  The family was so excited to hear about our July baby.  In my calculating mind everything about this baby was perfect.  July baby would be born in a slow season at work, close in age to my daughter, and 6 months away from Christmas which would be great for gifts.  And then a week before Christmas we went in for our ultrasound.  The technician was really quiet.  She left and my husband and I looked at each other and we knew – something was wrong.  The baby should have had a heart beat, yet she didn’t play one for us.  She came back in and told us that she couldn’t tell us what the results were, and we needed to call the Midwifery.  We got into the car and finally reached the midwife who told us the baby was dead.  But that wasn’t all, now we had to schedule a DNC.  For those who don’t know what that is (because I didn’t), it’s an abortion. We had to rush the procedure and push our travel plans. I think I was so busy trying to figure out how to fit it in that I didn’t really have enough time to mourn my baby.  I was on a plane the next day.

Miscarriages happen all the time (10-25% of all pregnancies).  There was something wrong with the baby and so that was just my body doing what it was made to do, I reassured myself.  And just like that, I was pregnant again. 

This was my October baby.  One of my closest friends was also pregnant, and we were excited about having our babies at the same time.  But of course, in the back of my mind, I didn’t want to get too excited because, what if.  And so we scheduled another early ultrasound (with a different place because we weren’t going to go through that again).  I knew within 30 seconds, something was wrong.  She started asking me questions about how far along I was, and I just knew.  The baby had a heart beat, we could see that, but the doctor came in to tell us that there were some items of concern.  I knew my dates exactly, yet the baby was measuring smaller and the sack was irregularly shaped.  They didn’t know for sure if I’d miscarry, but they wanted to keep a watch and told me to come back in a week.

I came home and just cried.  All I wanted was to go into the ultrasound and have them say, “everything looks great!”  Why couldn’t I have that?  I was certain I’d miscarry again and within days I started bleeding.  I texted with the midwife.  I remember telling her – “I think what we think is happening is happening”.  I was devastated.  I went back to my follow up ultrasound and it was confirmed. 

They told me at my age, I should look into IVF, so that they could ensure the embryos were normal.  Dr A’s office was in the same building, so we walked right into his office and made an appointment. 

From the time I was a small child, I dreamed of being a mommy. I took the roll of mommy to my dolls very seriously.  Before I went to bed at night, they were perfectly placed in a high chair, or “asleep” in bed, or laying in the pram.  It would hurt my heart when I’d go to a friends house and see dolls thrown in the corner with messy hair and missing clothes.  Above every ambition I had in life, being a Mommy was always the one thing I was absolutely sure about.

As life turned out, I didn’t marry until I was nearly 37.  Was I impatient with God? Yes.  But the truth is, God had something great waiting for me, my husband.  And as I’ve said, he was worth the wait.  But God wasn’t done teaching me patience.

We decided to spend a year being husband and wife.  We traveled, we worked late in the office, we shared many meals and drinks with friends. When our window opened I went to see a “health consultant” who practiced eastern medicine and put me on a bunch of baby making herbs, and prescribed a liver cleanse.  But nothing was happening.  I went to the doctor to get a check up because my periods had also gotten pretty irregular – probably because I had always been on birth control (did I even know what ‘regular’ was anymore?).  It’s hard for them to easily pinpoint fertility issues, but it wasn’t hard to pinpoint ours, because it was my husband.  They told him to see Dr S and to make an appointment with a fertility doctor.  He “wasn’t going to get me pregnant with these numbers”. 

I’m a doer so that’s what I did.  He got on a treatment plan with Dr S who was hopeful that treatment would turn things around in a few months.  We finally got into see the fertility doctor, Dr A.  Of course they make you wait for what seems like forever to get in. Don’t they realize we want a baby like –now?  He explained that if treatment wasn’t successful IVF would be the only course.  He did an ultrasound and ordered more tests.  He put me on thyroid medication because my blood tests showed high antibodies and I’d likely get hashimotos eventually anyway (at least that’s how he put it).  The next step was for me to take a test which required them to put dye through my fallopian tubes.  It had to be a certain number of days after my last period but the problem was, I wasn’t sure when I was going to have my next period.  My last period had been stimulated by my doctor for hormone testing and I hadn’t had one since then.  He said ‘no problem’, gave me the shot and told me to anticipate a period in a week or so. 

Ten days passed and nothing.  I called Dr A’s office and they told me to come in.  It should have worked.  So I went into his office wondering “now what’s wrong?”.  He started to do the ultrasound and said “Let’s take a look, maybe you’re pregnant.”  Mind.  Blown.  That thought had not occurred to me.  And I was, 6 weeks pregnant.  I got in my car and cried.  I cried so hard.  God had showed up right at the last minute.  I was going to wait until my husband got home but I couldn’t.  I called him. Our dreams of starting a family were coming true. 

Since I had started seeing Dr A they told me to keep coming.  Which meant weekly ultrasounds and blood draws.  Luckily I’m not afraid of needles because there were a lot of them and drawing blood from me is not easy.  Who is the nurse who has experience drawing blood from drug addicts?  I need that one. [PS for my mom’s friends, I am not a current or recovering drug addict] 

And so our baby grew and grew and we found out it was a she.  And we decided to give birth in a birthing center without any drugs. And I prepared for what would be the toughest physical challenge I had faced.  We went to classes, I read lots of books, I had a personal trainer, I did squats every day, I had chiropractic care, I even had a physical therapist who specializes in the hoohaa (that’s a technical term).  My friends now call her the “vagina whisperer”.  [On a side note she has helped several of my friends now with a wide range of issues like incontinence, trouble orgasming and pain during sex].

My pregnancy wasn’t perfect.  My initial A1C reading suggested I should monitor my blood sugars through my pregnancy and have regular check ins.  That meant I wasn’t going to get to eat donuts and pasta and all the other things a pregnant girl feels entitled too.    It was actually a really frustrating part of my pregnancy because it was so important for me to give her the best start. When I had trouble keeping my blood sugars in range, I would sometimes break down.  I was working full time and remodeling my house at the time.  I finally hired a meal delivery service in LA to specially prepare all my meals and drop them off at my house.  On the plus side, I only gained 25lbs in my pregnancy, and I never had to try and lose it.  I also had to continue seeing an internist who was constantly adjusting my vitamins and thyroid medications.  But God did give me the rainbow after the storm.  My labor was less than 4 hours and I pulled that baby out with my own 2 hands. She was perfect.  I was home in my bed 4 hours later with her by my side.  And the ‘vagina whisperer’ worked, I didn’t tear. [actually I have to give some good credit to my husband who massaged my hoohaa with coconut oil the last month of my pregnancy].

Yes, sometimes I envy women who just easily get pregnant, eat what they want, check in to the hospital and feel no pain during child birth.  But that’s not my story.

And as things go, our daughter London was higher needs than most.  She wanted to be held constantly, hated the car seat and strollers and wanted to nurse every 2-3 hours every night.  But then she got older, we sleep trained her and we found our way back to normalcy.  And she is amazing.

I consulted a new naturepathic doctor I wanted to start seeing who encouraged me to consider weening London around 9 months, so I could get my period back and start working on another baby.  Time was ticking.

Weening turned out to be pretty easy. This baby who refused to take a bottle when I went back to work full time was now frustrated with my reduced milk production and was ready to make the switch.    And so, not too much later I was pregnant. 

We all have our stories to tell. We have all experienced times in the wilderness. I believe that God has given me this story to tell someone out there. Miscarriage and infertility are not easy to talk about, so I’ll go first is just that. Let me start with my story and maybe it will inspire you to share yours.

“Faith is taking the first step, even when you don’t see the whole staircase” – Martin Luther King, Jr.